Loving Gene was like breathing. Life-giving, essential, easy, natural, unavoidable,
necessary, involuntary.
When I was with him, my heart was home. I was safe. I was happy, beautifully content. When I was with him, I wanted time to stop. Partly because life was near perfect and partly because I knew what was ahead. It was as if a train were headed down the tracks toward us and would run us over at some point. We just never knew when.
When I was with him, my heart was home. I was safe. I was happy, beautifully content. When I was with him, I wanted time to stop. Partly because life was near perfect and partly because I knew what was ahead. It was as if a train were headed down the tracks toward us and would run us over at some point. We just never knew when.
Sometimes the
train would be so far in the distance, we could barely see it. Other times it
was precariously close. Sometimes it would be racing at us. Other times it
would move at a snail's pace and even appear to be going backwards. But sooner
than later, we knew that train would run us down and destroy everything. And it
did.
And it
didn't.
I loved Gene so much that I often forgot to see how much he loved me. But when I did, it took my breath away.
I loved Gene when he was funny; when that beautiful, wonderfully sweet 8-year-old boy who lived in that man's body came out to play. I loved him when we went to dinners, to the movies, played golf, biked, kayaked, went out with friends, traveled, watched TV, traveled in the car, ran errands, said "goodbye" in the morning, hugged and kissed throughout the day.
I loved him
when I would come home from work or wherever I had been and walked in the door
to hear him cheer, "She's home. She's home!" with a child-like lilt in
his voice. I loved him -- and my heart skipped a beat – every time I
heard him come in the door.
I loved him
when he fixed things around the house -- and he could fix or build anything. I
loved him when he did nothing at all. I even loved him when he smoked, when he
was unkind, unfair, insensitive and selfish.
I know we choose love but sometimes I don't think loving Gene was a conscious decision. Being with him given the challenges certainly was, but loving and being loved by Gene was a deep-seated joy. Maybe it was from being alone so many years that when I finally found someone to give my heart and soul to, I was willing to overlook the negatives. Or maybe as Gene used to say, we chose to look at each other through "rose colored glasses." We looked for the positive and accepted the negative.
Each day I woke up with a smile on my face and went to bed the same way, satisfied, grateful and filled with appreciation for another day of life with the man I loved. I know that sounds corny but it's absolutely the truth.
I know we choose love but sometimes I don't think loving Gene was a conscious decision. Being with him given the challenges certainly was, but loving and being loved by Gene was a deep-seated joy. Maybe it was from being alone so many years that when I finally found someone to give my heart and soul to, I was willing to overlook the negatives. Or maybe as Gene used to say, we chose to look at each other through "rose colored glasses." We looked for the positive and accepted the negative.
Each day I woke up with a smile on my face and went to bed the same way, satisfied, grateful and filled with appreciation for another day of life with the man I loved. I know that sounds corny but it's absolutely the truth.
I woke up
each day and literally thanked God for another day of life with Gene and did
the same thing as I lay in bed at night. I truly was thankful for that day with
Gene -- and every day with Gene. I had waited so long and I had received what I
had prayed for -- and then some.
I don't know what I expected marriage to be. I know I expected it to be satisfying and that life would be filled with good times and not-so-good times. I know people say that sooner or later everyone has a day or two where they think, "Why did I marry this man?" or "I hate him." I never ever felt that way. My worst day with Gene was better than my best day alone.
I wanted my Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet but I didn't know what that would look like in real life. And what it would be like after he slid the glass slipper on my foot.
I had thought about what I wanted in a man, a husband. My girlfriends had given me a hard time over the years, saying that I wanted/expected too much. But like a few things in my life, I chose to ignore them and keep believing in what I wanted, what I believed my life could be.
One of my girlfriends reminded me that I had a long list of qualities I wanted in a husband when I was in my 20s -- Catholic, never married, non-smoker, romantic, kind, funny, responsible, caring, handsome and on and on. While the list changed as I changed, it stayed basically the same. I believe you get what you focus on, and I did.
I don't know what I expected marriage to be. I know I expected it to be satisfying and that life would be filled with good times and not-so-good times. I know people say that sooner or later everyone has a day or two where they think, "Why did I marry this man?" or "I hate him." I never ever felt that way. My worst day with Gene was better than my best day alone.
I wanted my Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet but I didn't know what that would look like in real life. And what it would be like after he slid the glass slipper on my foot.
I had thought about what I wanted in a man, a husband. My girlfriends had given me a hard time over the years, saying that I wanted/expected too much. But like a few things in my life, I chose to ignore them and keep believing in what I wanted, what I believed my life could be.
One of my girlfriends reminded me that I had a long list of qualities I wanted in a husband when I was in my 20s -- Catholic, never married, non-smoker, romantic, kind, funny, responsible, caring, handsome and on and on. While the list changed as I changed, it stayed basically the same. I believe you get what you focus on, and I did.
Gene -- and our marriage -- was more than I had hoped for, dreamed of. Like Gene, it wasn't perfect, but he and our marriage were perfect for me.