Happy has taken on a whole new meaning since Gene died. Am I happy? In general? This minute? Today? This week? This month? Compared to what? Before Gene started to feel bad? When Gene was miserable with cancer and pain? A few days after Gene died? A month after?
It's all relative. I am happier than I was when Gene was really ill. I am happier than those first few months after Gene died. But am I happy? I have a good life but I don't know if I'm happy. How can I be happy, really happy without Gene? He filled my world with light, love, laughter, romance, affection, safety, security, joy.
I realized the other day that my life is pretty happy. Even I am probably happy some of the time but I don't want to admit to it. If I admit that I am happy, if I go on with my life, then it's as if I am saying, "I'm over this loss." I will never be "over" losing Gene. You get over a cold; you don't get over losing your soul mate.
And yet writing that all down I think, "am I happy?" What is happy in this new context, in this new -- and unwanted -- situation of living without Gene? I honestly don't know.
I have accepted the loss. I have adjusted to it to some degree. I may spend the rest of my life adjusting to it. But happy? I don't know that I will be truly happy ever again. I have happiness and happy times, but being truly happy seems so far away.
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